#20 Bullets

Well I'm in a writing mood this week, having had 4 assignments dumped on me with deadlines starting next week. Obviously, this has been quite a shock to the system, having been used to dossing about for hours on end. It's so strange: I've been here for six weeks now, and I've already got right into the routine. At the same time, it feels far too early to be doing any real work!!

So, being tired and lazy after a succession of late nights and putting up with annoying people, here's another one of those things-I've-learnt-this-week things I churn out when I can't be bothered to write proper sentences.

Things I've learnt this week:

▪ Far from being an intelligent, high-brow drama, Lost is actually a load of tosh... I mean, Charlie died for Pete's sake: how did they bring back a man left hanging by his neck?!?
▪ I've finally learnt the combination to the kitchen door
▪ People who say they're from The Wirral are actually too ashamed to say they're from Birkenhead. Just like people who pronounce Clapham as "Clarm", or those that claim they're from "St. Reatham", but are actually from Streatham

▪ Telling people from The Wirral that they're actually from Birkenhead is not a wise move
▪ Having Snakebite splashed in your eyes stings like mad (see above)

▪ Calling ladies by their surname, preceded by the phrase "Shut It" is not a wise move, especially first thing in the morning
▪ Orange juice poured over Frosties and milk tastes jank (see above)

▪ The Arctic Monkeys' 'I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor' gets surprisingly annoying after the four-hundredth playing on the radio
▪ Two words to strike fear into anyone at the canteen: "Italian Night"
▪ It's grim up North


I always get them two muddled-up of the week:
- "Someone keeps setting all the air fresheners off in our block"
- "Air-fresheners?"
- "Yeah, them things (points)"
- "That's a fire extinguisher"

Best way to guarantee you'll never take 'Lost' seriously again:
Every time you see Jack make a facial expression, think of Gromit

#19 Go!

I'll be honest with you, this last week I've done next to nothing. In fact, the three most interesting things this week all took place this morning, while I was walking through the park. I have been in a good mood all week though, which is probably worth a special mention of its own:

I've been in a good mood all week. If you've read the previous "Happy Thoughts", you may have concluded that I wasn't throwing teacups around. So why so cheerful? Well, this week I've been on the phone and on MSN Messenger quite a bit catching up with all my friends from Dartford - which cheered me up no end. Also this week, I've had the good fortune of listening the The Go! Team's fantastic album, "Thunder, Lightning, Strike".

A quick review, then: it's brilliant. At the end of last year, someone told me that they were feeling depressed. I suggested they go and listen to some music, but then realised that the vast majority of albums in my collection were in themselves depressing! Not one album in my collection was happy smiley people from start to finish. On top of that, I always held the view that no album was any good if it didn't contain at least one sad or slow track. Think 'Move On Now' on the otherwise jump-up-and-down "Stars of CCTV" by Hard-Fi.

Having listened to "Thunder, Lightning, Strike" several times, I can now admit that I was wrong. Not entirely - a good album still needs to prove that the artist has at least some emotional range - but I no longer view it as a strict definition. From the school-recorder explosion of 'Get It Together' to the pure sugar-coated joy of (the wonderfully titled) 'Everyone's A VIP To Someone'... go and buy the Go! Team album: especially if you're in a bad mood.


In other news, I watched a squirrel - there's loads about up here - not only climb up the four-storey high wall of the block next door, but also dive in through their kitchen window, appear a few seconds later with a whole Digestive biscuit in its mouth, and then run back down and scamper away across the grass.

This week, I've also seen a squirrel chase a dog in the park; a man and woman having a make-over (I'm talking make up, hair styling, nails done) on a park bench; and a man carrying a mattress through the erm, park. Yes, those were the three weird things I saw this morning as I walked to my lectures. Crazy Northerners...


Time for me to eat a whole packet of Maryland cookies today:
48 minutes

Most flattering thing I've been called this week:
God

Best name for a record shop heard this week:
Vinyl Tap

Happy thoughts

Not a proper blog today, but just a quick (sugar-coated) list of things that should make you think, make you smile, and make you happy...

At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you ▪ At least 15 people in this world love you in some way ▪ The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you ▪ A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you ▪ Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep ▪ You mean the world to someone ▪ If not for you, someone may not be living ▪ You are special and unique ▪ Someone that you don't even know exists loves you ▪ When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it ▪ When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world ▪ When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it. If you believe in yourself, sooner or later you will get it ▪ Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks ▪ Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know ▪ If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Yes, I am in a good mood today.


Ultimate feel-good album:
"Thunder, Lightning, Strike" by The Go! Team

Thought for the day:
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
An hour to appreciate them,
A day to love them,
And an entire lifetime to forget them

#18 Carlton Palmer

Greetings from the North, here be this week's shenanigans...

During the Summer holidays, it was ludicrously easy to lose track of the days. We had no need for Wednesdays when everyday involved getting up at around 12 noon, combining breakfast and lunch into a meal that lasts until 2pm (brunch, anyone?) , then finally venturing outside to catch the late-afternoon sun and to socialise (repeat to fade). But bizarrely, it's also dangerously easy to lose track of time here at university...

For example, I can't remember for the life of me what I've been doing for the majority of last week. Apologies to anyone reading this who distinctly remembers being with me at some event of great magnitude that I've missed out, but I think my brain is finally creaking under the strain of understanding a) several strong and out-of-place regional dialects in such a concentrated area; and b) why some people find it necessary to play police sirens in an attempt to coax people into donating money for the earthquake appeal.

Friday night, I do remember. It involved paying £3, getting my hand stamped, and then walking into a space roughly the size of a double garage: no, I wasn't being smuggled into Scotland, but rather enjoying the Transmission indie disco night. Slightly dodgy speaker set-up aside, and rather criminal lack of CDage on the DJ's part, the music wasn't too bad!

As you may know, I am probably one of the greatest dancers this country has ever seen. So for my first proper club night in Freshers' Week, I put aside my nervousness and unleashed whole "canned heat in my heels" experience, safe in the knowledge that I'd never see the people standing nearby again. Of course, one of them turned out to be in both of my English modules, and I've ended up sitting next to her in every lecture to date. Cringe. Hopefully, the memory will fade over time...


What with being in the middle of World Cup qualification, Tuesday night week was an excellent occasion. Down in Bar|One, a Football Forum with no less than Ray Stubbs, Garth Crooks and Carlton Palmer were on stage to answer anyone's questions and strike up debate...

Needless to say, it was a thoroughly entertaining night. The mood was set when someone asked why Crooks - walking on with a white wine - wasn't drinking the beer, he replied "Because I'm a tart!". Classic. Indeed, all three gents were well up for a laugh, and not shy at pointing fun at either themselves or (more often) Everton! Although Stubbs and Crooks had to maintain some sense of balance - what with being BBC employees and all - Palmer was free to say what he liked, and practically all of his responses could not be printed in this, a family blog: "Last year, Everton over-performed. This year, they're b*****ks".

There was also the opportunity to win the chance to read out the classified football results on Score on Saturday. Well, as some of you may know, I've always fancied having a go. All you had to do was commentate on the England goals they were showing on the screen. Following a pretty good attempt, I knew my effort would have to be something a bit different to get noticed. Hence, the Soccer-AM-style American commentary style came out. Without any trace of bitterness - ahem - the first bloke won, probably because everyone else was rubbish (one attempt even copied me, but replacing American with Mexican) and there was no audience vote. But to sweeten the blow, I did get a free beer out of it and shook hands with Crooks and Stubbsy. Which was worth the effort alone, methinks.


I've forgotten to tell you in previous entries that one of my favourite games - guess which emergency services vehicle it is just by listening to the siren - has had to be put down. The trouble is, the road between the union and the halls contains not one, not two, but three hospitals. Hence, the game is so predictable it's not worth doing any more.


I didn't realise this until I moved up here, but there's a different issue of 'The Big Issue' magazine for the North. In an inspired move, it's called 'The Big Issue In The North'. What I find guiltily hilarious about the advert on the back page of last week's edition - remember this is the page that the (homeless) seller will see when he's trying to flog the thing to you - is that it was for the new Franz Ferdinand album. It's called "You Could Have It So Much Better". Comedy genius.


Number of Bernard-sightings this week: 5
Number of times Bernard has gone "Ooh look! It's Bozz!": 0

Quote of the week:
"When I saw you I just needed some air. And a Dime bar."

#17 Pirates

Not (as) much to tell this week I'm afraid... what with having to start actual work, this will have to be a quick catch-up of everything I've forgotten to tell you so far...

As you can see from the Sheffield photo gallery, I have now become known as Steve The Pirate. I'm not sure why - I think he's a film character, or possibly off a computer game - but as my name's Steve, it follows that I must be a pirate. Practically every morning for the first two weeks, I'd wake up and open my door to find a new pirate poster stuck on. Unfortunately, because my room is right next to the fire exit, they all got ripped off when we had our 6:45am fire drill on Tuesday. Nice.

▪ Sheffield is full of squirrels.
▪ It's quite cold up North.
▪ We still get Fish & Chip Friday in the canteen.
▪ Northern boys love gravy.
▪ My Biblical Studies tutor is a frustrated magician.
▪ I've still only met one person with a Yorkshire accent.
▪ You can get London's XFM with a crystal-clear signal, but not five!
▪ There's hardly any mobile phone signal around these parts, either.


Quote of the week:
"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth"
(Woody Allen)

Most grudging reply of the week:
Student: "Hey, aren't you that pirate guy?"
Bozz: "(sigh) Yes."

And finally...
It's true: CITV's Bernard (of the Watch fame) lives in my corridor