Public service announcement

Be aware of a new car-jacking scheme...

You return to your car left in a car park, unlock your car and get inside, start the engine and shift into reverse. When you look into the rear view mirror to back out of your parking space, you spot a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window.

Switch off the car (with the keys in the ignition) or leave the engine running and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view... when you reach the back of the car...

The car-jackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. It's a really simple steal: the door's unlocked, keys in the ignition, maybe with the engine still running.

Pretty clever though, you'll have to admit.

#23 Local

Hello, me again.

What with all these poems, books and plays to get through, it's a wonder the universities don't set aside a week so that we can get it all done without having to worry about lectures or seminars. They could call it - oh, I don't know - Reading Week, perhaps?

OK, I'm just bitter that I had to stay here and do some work while seemingly every one of my mates from back home (and some from here) swanned off home last week. Rather than being able to treat it as a half-term holiday, I had to slave away over an essay and attend a lecture - both, handily, in the middle of the week. Bah. But, if I'm allowed to live my life through other people - and give me one good reason why I shouldn't - I didn't have too bad a time of it!

I got to speak to loads of people at the weekend. Elyse (in Cambridge) doesn't get a reading week anyway, but looking at what she got up to she had a pretty cool weekend! A formal dinner and a student theatre production on Friday; punting down the Cam and watching a film on Saturday... the closest we have to that in Sheffield is taking the tram on a rainy day! I also got to hear about some of the strange Cambridge customs: walking on the grass lawns of some colleges can lead to you being expelled!! And that's not even when they're grazing cattle on them... (don't ask!)

Plus I got to speak to Adèle, who was visiting Cambridge after going to a wedding the day before, but only for a quick "hello, how are you?". Croasdell's been back to Dartford; I hear that Garner has been home (travelling from Scotland, that's quite a trek!); Mandeep's been a-visiting Read and Shiret!! in Canterbury... Still, there's not long now until we can all meet up down The Tollgate again for over-priced watered-down beer...

Finally, in local news: I must now have the look of a Sheffield resident, because today I was asked for directions for the third time since getting here! Everyone seems to want to know where the hospital is, too. Maybe I look like a doctor...


Quote of the week:
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.

#22 Burnt

Word. Here be the latest bulletin from Sheffield.

For a start, I know now that I made the right choice coming to Sheffield to study. Even if the courses are rubbish and my degree sucks, what a story for the grand-kids! Yes, I was in Sheffield in 2005: The age of the Arctic Monkeys, the birth of the South Yorkshire music scene... 'tis true: Sheffield is the new Manchester. Which was the new London. For a while.

I love finding things that I know are going to be a huge success before everyone else. When you tell everyone about them, you look infinitely cool: Just ask Tom Ford. I discovered Hard-Fi way back in January, when I bought their album and nearly went to one of their earliest gigs. So now they're all big and mainstream, I feel qualified to gloat a little.

The problem is when you don't tell anyone at the time. Because then when you say "I heard that ages ago", no-one believes you. That 'London Underground' song: I heard and downloaded that years ago, but only now is it all the rage as a real-sound ringtone. Bah. Similarly, I heard one of the contenders for this year's Christmas Number One ages ago too. Again, I didn't tell anyone, but I did download the track. So computer experts may be able to verify my story. It's the JCB Song by Nizlopi. Just to steal anyone else's thunder, check it out for yourself: Link

Friday last was bonfire night for me. What with half the campus swanning off home for the week, Saturday night wasn't looking like a big night out. So it was off to the local Catholic Chaplaincy's fireworks "doo". It was a good night, with scores of us packed into the house and garden, but a little scary too! For a start, one of the firework-lighters attempted to start the display by setting light to the nose-cone of the rocket. I'm not sure she'd done it before. After that, a wayward spark managed to find its way onto my neck. Luckily, my (now singed) scarf took the worst of it. The burgers were nice though...

On Sunday night, we went to see a film down at the Union: The Green Mile, starring Tom Hanks. Ever Since Cast Away, I haven't been too keen on Hanks, but he's in fine form in this 2000 production. It's a gruelling three-hours long, but well worth it. It's an odd experience: basically it revolves around executing prisoners in the electric chair, but there's a supernatural twist. On being asked how I found the film afterwards, I said that I'd enjoyed it. I corrected myself at the time, but now I stand my that original comment. I really enjoyed it, because it wasn't your typical film. It made you think, smile (a little), and cry (metaphorically). So go and see it.

Finally, some random stuff. I've been sampling the delights of BBC Radio Sheffield this week: it's a pretty good station: the "Raw Talent" show is the best for playing out all the great new music coming out of South Yorkshire at the moment. It's available online, too, so listen to it if you get the chance. One small point, though: the station's jingle is absolute pap.


People I've mortally offended this week: 1

Proudest moment of the week:
Out-Frenching a Frenchman with my poetic language

Number 1

People sometimes ask - "What was number 1 in the charts on the day you were born?". Usually, they hope to be able to ridicule you for being born in a week when some really embarrassing group were top of the charts with a spoof record about carrots; sometimes, it's actually annoyingly cool.

I've always told people - after looking it up on one website - that the re-release of Jackie Wilson's Reet Petite was top of the pops on Wednesday, 21 January, 1987. But then, after testing my birthday again to show someone, a different song came up!!

Apparently there had been a mix-up, because although the charts are published on a Sunday, the date of the chart is given as the following Saturday's: the "week ending..." date is given. Jackie Wilson was number 1 the week before I was born, but Steve "Silk" Hurley was number 1 week ending January 24 with Jack Your Body!!

I was actually quite gutted. Granted, Jack Your Body has been mashed up for a relatively cool Citroen advert, but it's just not the same, is it? Feeling a little low, I decided to have a look around this second website: the Quirky Number 1s page would probably cheer me up, I thought... and how!!!

The Number One 'That Got Away With It'
Steve 'Silk' Hurley - "Jack Your Body"

Strict chart rules govern which releases are eligible for the chart. One such rule stipulated the maximum playing time allowed on a 12" single (to avoid it being classed as an album). Unfortunately, nobody spotted that the 12" version of Steve 'Silk' Hurley's 1987 track "Jack Your Body" exceeded the maximum playing time. Its sales were incorporated into the overall total for the title. It, thus, enjoyed two weeks at number one in January of that year. In fact, it should never have been there! The effect was that Jackie Wilson's re-issue of "Reet Petite" (which it 'knocked off the top') should have enjoyed a fifth week at the summit and Aretha Franklin & George Michael's "I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)" (which eventually replaced it at the top) was deprived of its first week (of what should have been three) atop the chart.

So there! I'm still claiming Reet Petite!

#21 Ordinary

How do! Here's another pile of bloggage for you to get through...

In terms of exciting things happening, Sunday takes the crown because it was Sunday night that I wnet to my first 'proper' gig - The Ordinary Boys at the Sheffield Fusion. Granted, I've been to see one of my favourite artists in concert before, but that was sitting-down (and amazing). This was the first time I've had the chance to get crushed down the front mid-mosh, have water chucked over me by people trying to cool down, and taking one hellova blow to the stomach in the process of jumping up and down while punching the air...

The night started with one of the quietest bands I've come across. In-between songs, I mean. The only time the lead singer spoke was to confirm their identity (I didn't understand a word) and town of birth (somewhere in America). They played a few songs, they left the stage. Moving on, then...

The support act were the excellent Bedouin Soundclash, whose rendition of When The Night Feels My Song made the stereotypical "I only came to the gig to watch the support act" bloke behind me very happy indeed. That's assuming him jumping up and down in glee means he was happy. To be fair, it was excellent. They said to look out for a single coming out at the end of this year - I'd recommend it off the back of their set... if only for ripping the good lyrics out of Clash songs, and 'sampling' them live!

To be honest, I'm not sure I could put together a full set-list for the Ordinaries themselves! I know they kicked off with the fantastic Brassbound; I also remember they played the song that got me into the band in the first place: Seaside. That one was also the very first song I ever downloaded, too (a story for the grand-kids, there). Boys Will Be Boys; the un-censored version of The List Goes On revealed an alternative pronounciation for the word "tripe"; and even a splash of The Ramones thrown in for good measure! On An Island went down a storm, but most people don't know the words to the last verse; Talk Talk Talk suffered no such problems, and was screamed back at them. B-side Little Bubble was there too.

All in all, and excellent night. It must be so strange to hear the crowd chant "Ordinary-Ordinary-Ordinary" after your set, and feel chuffed with yourselves! But as (lead-singer) Sam said himself - "you can't beat a bit of Ordinary Boys on a Sunday evening"...


I've found a few interesting things on the web this week (as part of my research, obviously), so rather than post them in one of those annoying e-mails, I thought I'd put a few up here...

Channel 4 was 23 this week. When they first launched in 1982, every programme was introduced with the same logo and the same music. But because they didn't own the copyright to the tune, they had to pay the composer £3.50 everytime they broadcast a show! Only after eleven years of paying out £1,000 a week did they get fed up and drop the tune!!



Quote of the week:
- "I see dead people..."
- "You work in a morgue."

Encounter of the week:
- "Excuse me, are you Clarkey?"
- "No."
- "Oh, sorry mate"

#20 Bullets

Well I'm in a writing mood this week, having had 4 assignments dumped on me with deadlines starting next week. Obviously, this has been quite a shock to the system, having been used to dossing about for hours on end. It's so strange: I've been here for six weeks now, and I've already got right into the routine. At the same time, it feels far too early to be doing any real work!!

So, being tired and lazy after a succession of late nights and putting up with annoying people, here's another one of those things-I've-learnt-this-week things I churn out when I can't be bothered to write proper sentences.

Things I've learnt this week:

▪ Far from being an intelligent, high-brow drama, Lost is actually a load of tosh... I mean, Charlie died for Pete's sake: how did they bring back a man left hanging by his neck?!?
▪ I've finally learnt the combination to the kitchen door
▪ People who say they're from The Wirral are actually too ashamed to say they're from Birkenhead. Just like people who pronounce Clapham as "Clarm", or those that claim they're from "St. Reatham", but are actually from Streatham

▪ Telling people from The Wirral that they're actually from Birkenhead is not a wise move
▪ Having Snakebite splashed in your eyes stings like mad (see above)

▪ Calling ladies by their surname, preceded by the phrase "Shut It" is not a wise move, especially first thing in the morning
▪ Orange juice poured over Frosties and milk tastes jank (see above)

▪ The Arctic Monkeys' 'I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor' gets surprisingly annoying after the four-hundredth playing on the radio
▪ Two words to strike fear into anyone at the canteen: "Italian Night"
▪ It's grim up North


I always get them two muddled-up of the week:
- "Someone keeps setting all the air fresheners off in our block"
- "Air-fresheners?"
- "Yeah, them things (points)"
- "That's a fire extinguisher"

Best way to guarantee you'll never take 'Lost' seriously again:
Every time you see Jack make a facial expression, think of Gromit

#19 Go!

I'll be honest with you, this last week I've done next to nothing. In fact, the three most interesting things this week all took place this morning, while I was walking through the park. I have been in a good mood all week though, which is probably worth a special mention of its own:

I've been in a good mood all week. If you've read the previous "Happy Thoughts", you may have concluded that I wasn't throwing teacups around. So why so cheerful? Well, this week I've been on the phone and on MSN Messenger quite a bit catching up with all my friends from Dartford - which cheered me up no end. Also this week, I've had the good fortune of listening the The Go! Team's fantastic album, "Thunder, Lightning, Strike".

A quick review, then: it's brilliant. At the end of last year, someone told me that they were feeling depressed. I suggested they go and listen to some music, but then realised that the vast majority of albums in my collection were in themselves depressing! Not one album in my collection was happy smiley people from start to finish. On top of that, I always held the view that no album was any good if it didn't contain at least one sad or slow track. Think 'Move On Now' on the otherwise jump-up-and-down "Stars of CCTV" by Hard-Fi.

Having listened to "Thunder, Lightning, Strike" several times, I can now admit that I was wrong. Not entirely - a good album still needs to prove that the artist has at least some emotional range - but I no longer view it as a strict definition. From the school-recorder explosion of 'Get It Together' to the pure sugar-coated joy of (the wonderfully titled) 'Everyone's A VIP To Someone'... go and buy the Go! Team album: especially if you're in a bad mood.


In other news, I watched a squirrel - there's loads about up here - not only climb up the four-storey high wall of the block next door, but also dive in through their kitchen window, appear a few seconds later with a whole Digestive biscuit in its mouth, and then run back down and scamper away across the grass.

This week, I've also seen a squirrel chase a dog in the park; a man and woman having a make-over (I'm talking make up, hair styling, nails done) on a park bench; and a man carrying a mattress through the erm, park. Yes, those were the three weird things I saw this morning as I walked to my lectures. Crazy Northerners...


Time for me to eat a whole packet of Maryland cookies today:
48 minutes

Most flattering thing I've been called this week:
God

Best name for a record shop heard this week:
Vinyl Tap

Happy thoughts

Not a proper blog today, but just a quick (sugar-coated) list of things that should make you think, make you smile, and make you happy...

At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you ▪ At least 15 people in this world love you in some way ▪ The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you ▪ A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you ▪ Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep ▪ You mean the world to someone ▪ If not for you, someone may not be living ▪ You are special and unique ▪ Someone that you don't even know exists loves you ▪ When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it ▪ When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world ▪ When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it. If you believe in yourself, sooner or later you will get it ▪ Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks ▪ Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know ▪ If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Yes, I am in a good mood today.


Ultimate feel-good album:
"Thunder, Lightning, Strike" by The Go! Team

Thought for the day:
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
An hour to appreciate them,
A day to love them,
And an entire lifetime to forget them

#18 Carlton Palmer

Greetings from the North, here be this week's shenanigans...

During the Summer holidays, it was ludicrously easy to lose track of the days. We had no need for Wednesdays when everyday involved getting up at around 12 noon, combining breakfast and lunch into a meal that lasts until 2pm (brunch, anyone?) , then finally venturing outside to catch the late-afternoon sun and to socialise (repeat to fade). But bizarrely, it's also dangerously easy to lose track of time here at university...

For example, I can't remember for the life of me what I've been doing for the majority of last week. Apologies to anyone reading this who distinctly remembers being with me at some event of great magnitude that I've missed out, but I think my brain is finally creaking under the strain of understanding a) several strong and out-of-place regional dialects in such a concentrated area; and b) why some people find it necessary to play police sirens in an attempt to coax people into donating money for the earthquake appeal.

Friday night, I do remember. It involved paying £3, getting my hand stamped, and then walking into a space roughly the size of a double garage: no, I wasn't being smuggled into Scotland, but rather enjoying the Transmission indie disco night. Slightly dodgy speaker set-up aside, and rather criminal lack of CDage on the DJ's part, the music wasn't too bad!

As you may know, I am probably one of the greatest dancers this country has ever seen. So for my first proper club night in Freshers' Week, I put aside my nervousness and unleashed whole "canned heat in my heels" experience, safe in the knowledge that I'd never see the people standing nearby again. Of course, one of them turned out to be in both of my English modules, and I've ended up sitting next to her in every lecture to date. Cringe. Hopefully, the memory will fade over time...


What with being in the middle of World Cup qualification, Tuesday night week was an excellent occasion. Down in Bar|One, a Football Forum with no less than Ray Stubbs, Garth Crooks and Carlton Palmer were on stage to answer anyone's questions and strike up debate...

Needless to say, it was a thoroughly entertaining night. The mood was set when someone asked why Crooks - walking on with a white wine - wasn't drinking the beer, he replied "Because I'm a tart!". Classic. Indeed, all three gents were well up for a laugh, and not shy at pointing fun at either themselves or (more often) Everton! Although Stubbs and Crooks had to maintain some sense of balance - what with being BBC employees and all - Palmer was free to say what he liked, and practically all of his responses could not be printed in this, a family blog: "Last year, Everton over-performed. This year, they're b*****ks".

There was also the opportunity to win the chance to read out the classified football results on Score on Saturday. Well, as some of you may know, I've always fancied having a go. All you had to do was commentate on the England goals they were showing on the screen. Following a pretty good attempt, I knew my effort would have to be something a bit different to get noticed. Hence, the Soccer-AM-style American commentary style came out. Without any trace of bitterness - ahem - the first bloke won, probably because everyone else was rubbish (one attempt even copied me, but replacing American with Mexican) and there was no audience vote. But to sweeten the blow, I did get a free beer out of it and shook hands with Crooks and Stubbsy. Which was worth the effort alone, methinks.


I've forgotten to tell you in previous entries that one of my favourite games - guess which emergency services vehicle it is just by listening to the siren - has had to be put down. The trouble is, the road between the union and the halls contains not one, not two, but three hospitals. Hence, the game is so predictable it's not worth doing any more.


I didn't realise this until I moved up here, but there's a different issue of 'The Big Issue' magazine for the North. In an inspired move, it's called 'The Big Issue In The North'. What I find guiltily hilarious about the advert on the back page of last week's edition - remember this is the page that the (homeless) seller will see when he's trying to flog the thing to you - is that it was for the new Franz Ferdinand album. It's called "You Could Have It So Much Better". Comedy genius.


Number of Bernard-sightings this week: 5
Number of times Bernard has gone "Ooh look! It's Bozz!": 0

Quote of the week:
"When I saw you I just needed some air. And a Dime bar."

#17 Pirates

Not (as) much to tell this week I'm afraid... what with having to start actual work, this will have to be a quick catch-up of everything I've forgotten to tell you so far...

As you can see from the Sheffield photo gallery, I have now become known as Steve The Pirate. I'm not sure why - I think he's a film character, or possibly off a computer game - but as my name's Steve, it follows that I must be a pirate. Practically every morning for the first two weeks, I'd wake up and open my door to find a new pirate poster stuck on. Unfortunately, because my room is right next to the fire exit, they all got ripped off when we had our 6:45am fire drill on Tuesday. Nice.

▪ Sheffield is full of squirrels.
▪ It's quite cold up North.
▪ We still get Fish & Chip Friday in the canteen.
▪ Northern boys love gravy.
▪ My Biblical Studies tutor is a frustrated magician.
▪ I've still only met one person with a Yorkshire accent.
▪ You can get London's XFM with a crystal-clear signal, but not five!
▪ There's hardly any mobile phone signal around these parts, either.


Quote of the week:
"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth"
(Woody Allen)

Most grudging reply of the week:
Student: "Hey, aren't you that pirate guy?"
Bozz: "(sigh) Yes."

And finally...
It's true: CITV's Bernard (of the Watch fame) lives in my corridor